Epilogue

It's raining now. No, it is not cold. It is just so comfort. I've felt so calm after few times. Eventhough, this comfortness turns into something which is terrifying. I don't care. I am bored.

I couldn't sleep well again. My back bone's hurt. I don't know what's wrong with my body lately but I can feel pains on few of my bones. I only sleep only for few hours, every night. I slept at 11pm and somehow I woke up at 2am or 3am. And I couldn't sleep. I know it is bad, in case I have exams so I need to rest well. But I just can't. This is concerning.

(Wait, I need to close the window. The rain starts to make my bed wet)


Yea, I couldn't sleep well at night. Sometimes I take a nap but it doesn't change anything. My sleep still feels so bad. Even it feels worse because my bones, especially on the back of my body, became more painful. Maybe I should see doctors but hell no! I still can take care of it. The problem is just my sleep. Why I couldn't sleep well anymore?

I saw nightmare last night. I guessed because I just read a blog of a Supermodel who died of suicide. She was so beautiful and please, she was a Supermodel! She had everything but she felt so lonely. She committed suicide at very young age and somehow I saw her in my dream last night. It was so silly, I didn't even know her. But I could saw her, so depressed, and maybe it was the same feelings I felt lately.

My throat and stomach are be allied now. Damn! Isn't all this pain enough? Then I started to think about that Supermodel. She died, committed suicide. Should I do the same thing? WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING ABOUT?!! It doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel so sad and so relief at the same time. When I closed my eyes and those feelings sent me to sleep, I started to feel like I'm falling. And my neck and back bone acted so spoilt.

I also feel so lonely. While everyone else laughs so happily, I am laughing too. But I don't feel happy. I miss my old me. I want to be an old Meidinar who will easily laugh on something unfunny. Meidinar who could sleep so easily when she meets pillow. Meidinar who people said "Look, she did it again!". I wanna be as free as I used to. Not being locked in this kind of lonely and sad feelings. I don't even laugh in a funny part of the book I read. I don't even (really) laugh on my friend's jokes. This is sucks!

I just need to sleep well. My mom said I need to try to be relax. But she doesn't know how does it feel to bend over in bed and some thoughts are coming and gone. Come again, gone again. Like a ghost, they are watching me sleep. I'm sick of it. I wanna sleep well.

By the way, ever watched "The Tale of Two Sisters"? I fell in love with the soundtrack, Epilogue. And I fell in love with a couplet of poem I read last night:

I sent my goodbye 
To the loved ones who never came home

Goodbye, darling. I want to sleep well.