A Decision

To be old and wise, you must first have to be young and stupid

Sometimes I stuck at a moment and think that I'll be young forever. At that moment, there are a lot of things that I think I can't just let go : first love, the school which I actually wanted to enroll in. Being an ambitious kid with an idealistic dreams. I misused my ability to think. I put my brain aside. That's stupidity number 1. I used my feelings instead -stupidity number 2. There are more and more stupidities. Countless.

I decided to be with someone. I decided not to go to extra classes because I thought I am smart enough. I decided to spent most of my money to buy something that I don't really need. I decided to underestimate someone, who was actually more than I ever thought. I decided not to listen people's good advices. I decided to walk this way.

When I finally knew that "aaaah, the day is here!". You know? When that shits happened. The boyfriend left you, because you aren't that kind of puuuuurrrrfect gurl. When finally the universities rejected you. When finally you needed to buy something which was reaaaally important and you could only look at your fabulous gadgets and those fancy outfits which you only wore once. When eventually that nerd person in school became the coolest someone on earth. When people started saying , 'I told you so!' with those annoying smirk. When finally I knew this way isn't the right way.

Oooooh! Worth it! It felt like a slap exactly to my face. And someone (who I didn't really know WHO) yelled, 'Yo, wake up! Now you need to crawl from the very beginning and you will keep on moving until you can stand again!'.

It's not easy. I don't know how to start.

I know I still have to grow up. Be at the right way and get what I am supposed to get : the (right) education, the (right) friends, the (right) someone to fall in love with. I need a 'real' life. I want to get out, stop being shy and stop underestimating myself. I want to stop spending my 24 hours in the front of computer, talking to my internet boyfriend. I want to stop regretting every bad things that ever happened in my life. I could feel that something isn't just.. right. It is wrong but I can't tell. I can't get rid of it. You know that feeling, right? You know that feeling wasn't really 'real'. That feeling makes me sick! 

I just want to... click! Internet disconnected! Get over it and move on! Shit happens, life goes on! Rise and shine! Do something! Be yourself! Be real! Meet people! Talk to them! If they think you are different then be it!

One decision which people take may be the worst thing that ever happened in their life. But that's how people learn not to fall into same hole twice. That's how we grow up. I need to learn that.